09 September 2008

It's been a while

I know I probably should go to sleep but am just kept awake from all the happenings in my life.

What should we do when everything goes wrong in your life?

I keep telling myself that as long as everyone I love is alive and well, that everyone I love is happy, I am willing to give up the one thing that makes me happiest.

You'd expect everyone I love must have olympic athlete fitness by now, but they are not well, nor are they happy.

Then how can I justify my bad luck with this one thing that makes me happiest?

How much misfortunes does someone have to endure to finally be allowed their happiness?

I'm having difficulties carrying on on my own.

Not sure about anything anymore... why am I still studying? What's the point of having lots of money if I will never have my own family?

30 November 2007

La di da...

Feeling like getting really really drunk!!!

Maybe if I'm drunk then I'll have more confidence to present better... or even allow me to come up with more differentials!

Bloody hell! So useless!

I'll stop here and leave you a picture of a square melon I saw - $1499 HKD


And Terri I miss you!! xx

25 November 2007

Been in quite a strange low recently. Not entirely sure if it is because of my PMS or if it is just men are being real bastards. Didn't do a single thing today other than washing up and cleaning the kitchen at 12am. In a bit of a mess really... dunno what to think, what to do. Thoughts are so jumbled I don't even know how to put it on here properly. Feel like I'm losing my mind over nothing. This afternoon, in the break that I was not playing my NDS I just burst into tears for no apparent reason... We are not committed, yet I feel we're not even friends. The explanation was that it's a way to grow independent. Just have the guts to say what you are doing, rather than making up stupid excuses. What's more stupid is that I thought our minds were so in tune that unfortunately things didn't work out, maybe we'll be close friends. Feel like such an idiot, believing something like this may happen, as well as again believing people will stay the same forever and which of course they don't. What was I thinking? Or not thinking...

I really need to snap out of it. How can I transfer the energy on the work...? I just don't have any motivation at all.

Please deactivate that bloody emotional side of my head... I can't cope anymore...just feel like I'm drowning...

16 November 2007

Sod it!

Isn't it heartbreaking to find out things you didn't expect?

All of the time you care for these people's feelings and well-being in things that you do, and in return all you find is self-centred hypocritical behaviour?

Truth hurts. But what hurts more is that they obviously know what they were doing by hiding it and you only find out when the shit hits the fan.

07 November 2007

Fat fighters

I'm looking in the mirror once again (as you do coz distraction is much better than writing SSM) and I'm so FAT - FAAAAAAAAAATTT!!!!! I need to lose weight!!!!! My stomach is getting to the level of Jade Goody's *Yes, just imagine her bikini stomach - that's how mine is at the moment but of course I won't wear a bleeding bikini* and soon it'll probably get to Michelle McMammoth's *deafening screech*

Okay, I need to focus on what I want (positive) and not what I don't want (dressing up in tents)... I want a stomach like Beyonce's/Shakira's... TONED STOMACH...



Someone tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. I'm all geared up to go - I'm 26, don't have that much more time to look good man... my metabolism is failing me.

Emptiness

When life just seems so bland...
The same repetitive activities each day *Yawn*

I want FIREWORKS... not mini sparklers (like the ones that our neighbours let off last night which sounded and felt like I was getting shot in my own bedroom)

04 November 2007

Will it ever heal?

Is it wrong to reminisce? Just happen to look into my old photos and all feelings came flooding back.



Those feelings which I thought I "Got over" were still there I guess. All I've been doing is to lock those feelings I had, or I still have in a place in my mind where I stop myself from wandering into. It hurts when looking at the pictures, how much in love we were, his touch, his smell... then the arguments and fights... everything that was not meant to be.

Then why do I still care so much that he moved on?

01 November 2007

Oh crap. It's 1st Nov

Only 8 more days till I turn 26 and I'm shitting myself because first I have to hand in my SSM that day (ARRGH) and the fact that I AM TURNING TWENTY-SIX~!!!!!

I don't want to grow old.
I don't want train-tracks on my face.
I don't want saggy boobs.
I don't want to lose the 24 teeth that I just about have.
I don't want to shrink.
I don't want to get fat (slower metabolism you see - since age 21 I've put on 1.5 stone, you do the math).
I don't want my biological clock to tick away.
I don't want to have to meet the expectations on how wise/mature I should be/act.

Most of all, I don't want responsibilities.

I'm tired. Why should I care shit if it's not reciprocal.

20 October 2007

Cynical?

Good old mellow magic, play my favourite song during my third year at King's - If you were not the one by Daniel Beddingfield. I am so sure on when this song came out because Viv and I printed out the lyrics and stuck it onto the walls *SAD I know, seemed a cheap way of karaoke at the time* of our rooms at halls... and when James came to visit he pointed out how sad I was (of course he didn't tell me, but his face said it all). Not only it brought back this memory, it also reminded me that If you were not the one was the song I thought fitted so well with Tenny. Would you believe that this song used to make me cry? LOL Funny now when I look back to see how stupid I was. Fairy tales don't happen in real life and I believed that my prince would come and sweep me off my feet on his white horse (or car equivalent I guess if I'm a little more realistic).

Am I a cynic? Just that I don't believe someone so right exists who I will meet and fall in love (damn.. surely this is harder than winning the lottery!)? I'd love to believe but it's just so bad for the heart... it has taken me nearly 2 years of lengthy-relationship-detox to feel this way, don't tell me I'm cynical!! I'm only trying to cope instead of being really pathetic.

I don't even know why I'm explaining myself here. Just want to share a little piece of my mind when you are bored. Oh bum... I'm doing it again.

06 October 2007

Autopilot

Think

Not

Wrong

Do

Regret

Late

Consequence

Follow?

01 October 2007

Exploding Peter Petrelli style

Just as I thought I've got myself all taped back together in one piece, I'm in a mess once again. (The tape must be the 'value' ones)

I don't know what to do, how I should do it or if I should do anything at all to make everyone happy. I don't have all the answers and I don't know okay... I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

Do you guys ever think about how I feel?

Do people only hear problems and don't see them?

15 September 2007

Fishkini? lol

Just saw an article on BBC about FISHKINI

This bikini is made from the dried skin of tilapia fish which usually just get chucked away. Apparantly it is durable and waterproof but soft - perfect for making bikinis.


Just look at the satisfaction on that Thai model's face.

What's it gonna be next? Prawnkini? Crabini? I reckon starfishkini will be good. The power of recycling - amazing (Though I strangely want a fishkini - 正一新屎坑 :P)

11 September 2007

Grrr

Had another bloody tiring day, I think I now know why being a sales assistant is indeed a very physical job because after standing for the whole day today in pretty but terribly uncomfortable shoes (please, I've only gone for the flat ones), I cannot feel either of my big toes and both feet are swollen. Also, I found that when it comes to clinical etiquette between students, it appears that you have to be vicious and recklessly disregard any feelings of your colleagues of the same level in order to shine. Yes, the word is to SHINE and STAND OUT. This means removing all the things that may obstruct you as well as stepping on anything that you can find to appear more intelligent and charismatic - i.e. your colleagues of the same level! What the hell is her effing problem?? All I have done today was be nice to her, tell her where things are happening so she won't be stuck upstairs watching patients' lie in their beds all day. So how does she repay me? Well, by making me feel this small --> .

Is it necessary to tell me 'Oh, you should do it systematically' in front of the patient while I was doing an abdo exam - when I knew what I was doing? Does she understand that I do things MY way and I'm not a photocopied version of Janet Porter? Then, when the SHO asked ME a question (he wasn't even looking at her), could you at least give me a little bit of time before blurting out the answer within 0.05s after he finished the question directed at me? (she doesn't answer the hard ones when they are directed at me - which again make me look like an imbecile again) It is my own fault I guess, for not being confident enough - which originates from both lack of knowledge and the fear of giving answers that suggests I have sub-normal intellectual capacity.

Heh, it's so frustrating. I do not fear though - you just wait biaaaatch! *clicking fingers and moving head side to side* I'm a very simple person - how you treat me will be how I treat you my dear mwahahahaha (*shakes head* not sure when I can become confident enough...)

10 September 2007

I am definitely liking colorectal surugery!

I think I'm turning into a right geek now *nudges my thick glasses insightfully* But I really enjoyed my first day into the clinical world! I think I expected so little of it (because of Jeng and Sam's horror stories) I appreciated alot when I got a great deal of teaching out of today!! Stood and running around for so long today my poor feet are hurting like hell!

Lets see how long this enthusiasm lasts for :P probably until I meet some horrid consultant that will make me feel as small as an ant.

09 September 2007

Starting me clinicals

Quite exciting really, starting the clinicals at last!!

Am very nervous on what it is going to be like -__- Coping with change of environment has never been my strong points.

I need to be confident - this is my new (academic) year resolution! (even when I don't know a thing... which probably leads to my recurrent 'new term' resolution of working harder - AGAIN)

加油!! 努力!!! Ganbade!! 加油!! 努力!!! Ganbade!! 加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!!加油!! (am hoping that if I say that enough I'd remember to do it)

Am IN LOVE with this song at the moment

黃大仙 I am waiting for my 田...

29 August 2007

求籤

Recently, I got this reading from the Wong Tai Sin temple by kau cim (begging with bamboo sticks).

第三十四签 中吉 虞舜耕田

大舜虽耕在历山 心常孝顺两嚣顽
田中之象同家象 善恶分明即此间

舜,中国古代的一位部落联盟领袖。大舜,是尊称。
这支签,有孝感动天的含义。
大舜虽然在历山这地方耕地,但心里很挂念家中的父母,最难能可贵的,是这两位老人家,都是较为盲塞固执的,而大舜事亲最孝顺。两老在大舜工作期间,时常因争吵而要大舜赶回家中去排解。幸而所养的大象,感于大舜的善良,都很听话,帮助他耕种及处理家务。
流年:平安中有不少好机会 。
事业:凡事尽力而为,可以考虑转职或创新业。
财富:财来自有方,无须刻意去追求。
自身:与人为善,不贪不妄,戒骄戒躁。
家庭:家和万事兴,当孝顺父母。
姻缘;会找到情投意合的良伴,今年宜婚。
移居:有很好的机会,而且,父母可以帮大忙。
名誉:容易得到别人的信任和赏识。
健康:身体本该无大碍,但偶有损伤。
友谊:乐于助人,人亦乐于接近您。

Strangely enough, the story is pretty accurate!! Well, the parts about me being away from home and my parents anyway - guess what I asked Wong Tai Sin about out of the 10 things listed? :P

PS For you my love:
第十签 中平 苏秦不第

一轮月镜挂空中 偶被浮云障叠重
玉匣何时光气吐 谁人借我一狂风

战国时代,苏秦多次参加考试,都落第,本来,他是一个非常有学问、有见识的人,但奈何时运未开。幸而,他并没有为暂时的失意而心灰意冷,凭着不屈不挠的意志,终于官拜宰相。
明月、玉匣,代表一个人的真才实学,可惜,偶然被浮云所遮掩,未能展露光芒。
谁人借我一狂风呢?有一种等待机会,贵人未遇的感叹。暗示求得此签者,要保持实力,不要轻举妄为。
流年:今年的阻滞较多,宜以不变应万变。
事业:一动不如一静,除非遇上大贵人,否则宜稳守。
财富:大财机会甚微,偏财机会更微,但常有小财。
自身:尚算平安,无论发生何事,也无大碍。
家庭:和气可以令好运提前来。今年生女,会为家庭带来好的转机。
姻缘:夫妻常有小磨擦,宜避免。不宜今年结婚。
移居:移民外国或搬迁新居,都有机会。
名誉:不妨为公众多做点事。
健康:常有小病,如头痛、感冒、睡眠不宁。
友谊:要远离小人,勿与异性朋友来往太密。

17 August 2007

It's 5:30am...

I don't believe that I've been up for nearly 36 hours and I'm still awake!! Not feeling tired at all -__-lll

I've had enough with the student loans company and my LEA - how can 2 declarations sent by recorded delivery get lost? Then suddenly it reappears and the one that I sent to my LEA was forwarded to SLC and the one I sent to SLC was 'lost' according to one person and then it was suddenly found by another advisor and THEN it had to be forwarded to my LEA?!?! The two declarations were the same!! grrr....

禎禎加油!!!

15 August 2007

Surely they can't be the same person


Come on...女大十八變都唔係咁呀嘛...
Of course no plastic surgery at all la...