Coping

Not sure if it is the festive season, or if it is the first Christmas after my last relationship, Christmas was not fun at all. All I can think of were things like 'Hmm I wonder what they'll be doing now', 'I wonder how big and cute George is now', 'I wonder what he got for Christmas', 'If I was still spending Christmas with them I'd be doing ______ now', and 'I wonder if he thought of me at all'. I guess it doesn't help when you always have films like Love Actually on tele as well as sad Christmas songs.

I want to love and be loved. I need to love and be loved - it is something that can make me truly happy and content. Yet I made up this deal with god that I would give all of this up and have my family's health and happiness in return. So did my relationship fall apart because god is doing his job, or is this an excuse to just help myself to get by day by day, telling myself maybe everything happened because god is protecting my family? Here's a person who doesn't believe in heaven and hell, but can tell herself that there's someone great up in the sky who can somehow use his/her powers to protect my family when I can't be with them. I am having doubts - what if all of these stupid thoughts were only real my own little world?

What if I never meet my one?
James I miss you so much